Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself and the stupid things I do. I have been struggling a lot with religion. I have so many questions beneath the surface. I can't even begin to put into words. I want to be comfortable with the idea of a Savior, of Jesus being my all, being in a relationship with the Prince of Peace, but I don't know or, or rather, I'm afraid to trust with all I have in something, an idea that seems so fragile. I don't know; I want it, but I don't know how available it really is. They say there is no love higher, more powerful, more constant. As I sit here, the tears are slowly rolling down my face, I know I want that, a certain love that will be unconditional. I want a love so powerful it pushes me to be bigger than my circumstances, to take a step of faith into the unknown, I want that. But as I look at today's professing Christians, and I can't help but wonder, if like them, the glory of this love will fade in time, right?
How can I go for something that really isn't there? Do I have even enough faith?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sometimes........
Sometimes I feel so small. Sometimes I wish I hungered for more and sometimes I wish I was simply content with what I have. I am unhappy at times for reasons I cannot explain even to myself. I look over my life and see nothing that I have done for myself. It almost seems like it has been for someone else. It seems to me I must be missing something in my life, like I have a void that I have somehow been completely unable to fill no matter how hard I've tried, and that leaves me hopeless every time I face it.
The burdens in my life are becoming some prominent I fear it is only a matter of time before they crash into every aspect of my life. I miss the times past when innocence marked all I did and ignorance carried me through the hardest of my trials. Naivete was a bliss I never appreciated till it was gone. Sometimes a song or a memory will send that feeling through me, a remembrance of all I had but now I'm having to do without. Sometimes more than anything else I wish I had been smart enough to take advantage of my youth but instead I threw it away in hopes of growing up quicker than I wish I had. The days of innocence I can recall are sweeter to me than anything else. As I sit here in the early morning hours and the sun begins to break over the trees, I realize I have lost all admiration for the beauty of the little things around me that used to bring me much joy and happiness.
Sometimes I wonder what this chapter in my life will be marked by when I look back in 10 years? Will I remember the pain that people have caused for me? Will I remember anything happy at all or will this become a chapter already written for me? Is there such s thing as an eraser for the pages of life? Man, I hope so.I want more than anything else to be able to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it makes me want to cry. Not my reflection, but what I know lies beneath the outward beauty, the scars, and mistakes that mark who I really am, not what others think of me. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for even myself. I want to hope again, to see through the eyes of a child. I want to love without the fear of my life changing my position. It's like looking in the rear view mirror at my life and seeing the little girl I once was standing on the road behind me and I can't go get her back or I just don't know how. All I love, all that has made me truly beautiful feels like it its gone or even lost. I have found its hard to find that certain beauty again. The beauty from the inside was frozen by the cold winter around me has left me barren, How can I make sure that I will feel that beautiful and that wanted again?
The burdens in my life are becoming some prominent I fear it is only a matter of time before they crash into every aspect of my life. I miss the times past when innocence marked all I did and ignorance carried me through the hardest of my trials. Naivete was a bliss I never appreciated till it was gone. Sometimes a song or a memory will send that feeling through me, a remembrance of all I had but now I'm having to do without. Sometimes more than anything else I wish I had been smart enough to take advantage of my youth but instead I threw it away in hopes of growing up quicker than I wish I had. The days of innocence I can recall are sweeter to me than anything else. As I sit here in the early morning hours and the sun begins to break over the trees, I realize I have lost all admiration for the beauty of the little things around me that used to bring me much joy and happiness.
Sometimes I wonder what this chapter in my life will be marked by when I look back in 10 years? Will I remember the pain that people have caused for me? Will I remember anything happy at all or will this become a chapter already written for me? Is there such s thing as an eraser for the pages of life? Man, I hope so.I want more than anything else to be able to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it makes me want to cry. Not my reflection, but what I know lies beneath the outward beauty, the scars, and mistakes that mark who I really am, not what others think of me. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for even myself. I want to hope again, to see through the eyes of a child. I want to love without the fear of my life changing my position. It's like looking in the rear view mirror at my life and seeing the little girl I once was standing on the road behind me and I can't go get her back or I just don't know how. All I love, all that has made me truly beautiful feels like it its gone or even lost. I have found its hard to find that certain beauty again. The beauty from the inside was frozen by the cold winter around me has left me barren, How can I make sure that I will feel that beautiful and that wanted again?
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