Sometimes I feel so small. Sometimes I wish I hungered for more and sometimes I wish I was simply content with what I have. I am unhappy at times for reasons I cannot explain even to myself. I look over my life and see nothing that I have done for myself. It almost seems like it has been for someone else. It seems to me I must be missing something in my life, like I have a void that I have somehow been completely unable to fill no matter how hard I've tried, and that leaves me hopeless every time I face it.
The burdens in my life are becoming some prominent I fear it is only a matter of time before they crash into every aspect of my life. I miss the times past when innocence marked all I did and ignorance carried me through the hardest of my trials. Naivete was a bliss I never appreciated till it was gone. Sometimes a song or a memory will send that feeling through me, a remembrance of all I had but now I'm having to do without. Sometimes more than anything else I wish I had been smart enough to take advantage of my youth but instead I threw it away in hopes of growing up quicker than I wish I had. The days of innocence I can recall are sweeter to me than anything else. As I sit here in the early morning hours and the sun begins to break over the trees, I realize I have lost all admiration for the beauty of the little things around me that used to bring me much joy and happiness.
Sometimes I wonder what this chapter in my life will be marked by when I look back in 10 years? Will I remember the pain that people have caused for me? Will I remember anything happy at all or will this become a chapter already written for me? Is there such s thing as an eraser for the pages of life? Man, I hope so.I want more than anything else to be able to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it makes me want to cry. Not my reflection, but what I know lies beneath the outward beauty, the scars, and mistakes that mark who I really am, not what others think of me. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for even myself. I want to hope again, to see through the eyes of a child. I want to love without the fear of my life changing my position. It's like looking in the rear view mirror at my life and seeing the little girl I once was standing on the road behind me and I can't go get her back or I just don't know how. All I love, all that has made me truly beautiful feels like it its gone or even lost. I have found its hard to find that certain beauty again. The beauty from the inside was frozen by the cold winter around me has left me barren, How can I make sure that I will feel that beautiful and that wanted again?
Winter Blues. They are rough! Everyone's feeling it or a version of it.
ReplyDelete"When you are lonely, do something nice for someone else."
"Everything is OK in the end. If it is not OK, then it is not the end."
You should send this to yourself in 10 years, just to check up - futureme.com. It's a really cool free service where you can send future emails to yourself.