I don't know what I want...

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself and the stupid things I do. I have been struggling a lot with religion. I have so many questions beneath the surface. I can't even begin to put into words. I want to be comfortable with the idea of a Savior, of Jesus being my all, being in a relationship with the Prince of Peace, but I don't know or, or rather, I'm afraid to trust with all I have in something, an idea that seems so fragile. I don't know; I want it, but I don't know how available it really is. They say there is no love higher, more powerful, more constant. As I sit here, the tears are slowly rolling down my face, I know I want that, a certain love that will be unconditional. I want a love so powerful it pushes me to be bigger than my circumstances, to take a step of faith into the unknown, I want that. But as I look at today's professing Christians, and I can't help but wonder, if like them, the glory of this love will fade in time, right?

How can I go for something that really isn't there? Do I have even enough faith?

Sometimes........

Sometimes I feel so small. Sometimes I wish I hungered for more and sometimes I wish I was simply content with what I have. I am unhappy at times for reasons I cannot explain even to myself. I look over my life and see nothing that I have done for myself. It almost seems like it has been for someone else. It seems to me I must be missing something in my life, like I have a void that I have somehow been completely unable to fill no matter how hard I've tried, and that leaves me hopeless every time I face it.

The burdens in my life are becoming some prominent I fear it is only a matter of time before they crash into every aspect of my life. I miss the times past when innocence marked all I did and ignorance carried me through the hardest of my trials. Naivete was a bliss I never appreciated till it was gone. Sometimes a song or a memory will send that feeling through me, a remembrance of all I had but now I'm having to do without. Sometimes more than anything else I wish I had been  smart enough to take advantage of my youth but instead I threw it away in hopes of growing up quicker than I wish I had. The days of innocence I can recall are sweeter to me than anything else. As I sit here in the early morning hours and the sun begins to break over the trees, I realize I have lost all admiration for the beauty of the little things around me that used to bring me much joy and happiness.

Sometimes I wonder what this chapter in my life will be marked by when I look back in 10 years? Will I remember the pain that people have caused for me? Will I remember anything happy at all or will this become a chapter already written for me? Is there such s thing as an eraser for the pages of life? Man, I hope so.I want more than anything else to be able to forgive myself. I look in the mirror and it makes me want to cry. Not my reflection, but what I know lies beneath the outward beauty, the scars, and mistakes that mark who I really am, not what others think of me. Sometimes I think I'm not good enough for even myself.  I want to hope again, to see through the eyes of a child. I want to love without the fear of my life changing my position. It's like looking in the rear view mirror at my life and seeing the little girl I once was standing on the road behind me and I can't go get her back or I just don't know how. All I love, all that has made me truly beautiful feels like it its gone or even lost. I have found its hard to find that certain beauty again. The beauty from the inside was frozen by the cold winter around me has left me barren, How can I make sure that I will feel that beautiful and that wanted again?

Thinking....

I've been thinking a lot about me, who I am, what I am, what I really expect out of myself and what I will be in a few years based on the paths I'm on now. 

I can't help but wonder why the decisions I make are frequently so contradictory.

I don't know what I want from life and that frightens me. I want to be something but who do I want to be something for? Are the choices I am subconsciously making now bigger than the moment?

Well, I have to completely change paths to avoid being a failure? How do I even define failure in my own life? How high do I set my standards and will I let others decide what I want from life for me?

I need to know what I expect out of this life and where MY heart is totally set. Have I lived my life for me, or my parents, my friends, or anyone else?

I'm not sure I'm saying that outside influence is ad, but where do I draw the line between outside influence and outside interference?

I'm not proud of a lot of decisions I've made before, but I'm not pleased with a lot of decisions others have made for me while thinking it was in my best interest either.

I know what is done is done and the past is meant to be respected but not necessarily repeated, but should it really be discarded or looked away in the closets of the mind, or are we supposed to use it in remembrance while making future decisions?

If we allow our past to influence our future, are we saints or sinners for it? Does judgement leave with us an can we avoid mistakes and evil, or is man condemned to live with and sidestep the impending fate predestined by the Almighty?

Just how far is too far and who decides where the line is to be drawn?